CUBA JOURNAL 5 Feb 1996 Havana After one day here What I've seen. Waves crashing on the wall of the Malecon sending sprays 30 feet in the air. A Black woman with one clear blue eye working at the ticket counter at the Nassau Airport- I think she would never have been hired in NYC. Pretty boys. Trees that look like mangroves. Beautiful colonial mansions in total disrepair- paint almost entirely bleached off- crumbling cement balustrades. Black exhaust from most cars. Big American cars from the 50's, (Buicks, Oldses, Chevys) all held together by I don't know what. Beautiful girls. Old people. Tile floors. Cool theater with decorative cement work that looks like toothpaste. Few soldiers. Few police. Few revolutionary murals and slogans. Some construction work. Old art deco hotels. Lots of bicycles. Lots of little dogs. What I've smelled. Nasty car exhaust. Coffee roasting. Rotting palm leaves. Mildew in the theater. Cigarette smoke. Guyabina (sp.) liquor. Dark rum. Bathroom cleanser. My after shave (Paco Rabane) and European toothpaste (Elmex) Food being deep fat fried at an outdoor stand. A dumpster of rotting oranges. Grilled lobster. Lime juice on my fingers. The age of the Air Cubana airplane. Fast food against the filtered air in the Miami Airport. What I've tasted. Camel lights. Sweet paper of "Popular" Cigarettes. Lobster. Pollo Asado. Yucca. Fish. Beer. Rum. Guyabina (sp.) liquor. Pasta. Baby bananas. Coffee with boiled milk. Coffee with brown sugar. Elmex. Hot dog with relish and mustard, 100% grape juice, chips for $6 at the Nassau Airport. Raisins I brought with me from NYC. Salted peanuts on the plane. "Popular" cigarettes. Dry cookies. Uninteresting tomato sauce. Mayonnaisey macaroni salad. Salt air from the breaking waves along the Malecon. What I've felt. Anxiety. Being in the control of others. Being hustled but not sure if I was being hustled. Contentment. Thrill at the breaking waves. Exhaustion from the journey. Pride in getting all the checks to all my bills in the mail box at the Miami Airport. Lack of sexual tension. Pleasure at watching David and Jennifer dance. Not wanting to have my actions determined by money. Salsa Picante I accidentally wiped into my eye. Cold, cold, cold Warm in the sun. Timidness in asking directions. The muscles just in front of my ears straining to understand Spanish. No hunger. Fear that I'd pee the bed 'cause it was so cold. What I've heard. My name being called out (by Jose Ortega) at the Nassau Airport. Roosters crowing. Dogs barking. Waves crashing. Car horns beeping at me to get out of the way. A woman singing with a Salsa band rehearsing on the balcony of the theater. Safety instructions in broken English. Me making myself understood (or not) in Spanish. Spanish with a Dutch Accent (from David's boyfriend, Mat). Grinding engines. Stalled cars. Music coming from dark homes. Simon and Garfunkel (Bridge over Troubled Water). That satellite dishes are illegal here. Chorus of birds. 6 Feb 1996 Havana After two days 3 Things I miss 1/ My own bed 2/ Delis open all night 3/ E-mail (xed out "Something about Robt.") 3 Things I don't miss 1/ Messages on my answering machine 2/ Layers of coats and sweaters to keep away the cold 3/ My anxiety about leaving 3 Things I want now 1/ To get over this timidity and inability to say what it is I want and to try to get what I want. 2/ Fluency in another language (in this case Spanish). 3/ To not have to worry about money 3 Things I have that I don't want 1/ A certain inertia 2/ An inactive sex life 3/ Lack of a creative outlet and focus for my creative energy 3 Things that I'm glad to have 1/ Relative good health 2/ The ability to marvel at the beauty of nature 3/ A questioning and doubting and thoughtfully open mind 3 People I miss 1/ Mom on the phone 2/ Robt.- his feet, his coldness, his pathetic middle-class decadence 3/ Oskar, 'cause he's my most recently made friend. He's a jewel 3 Things I'm glad I don't have 1/ A known debilitating illness 2/ Real cynicism 3/ A boy/girlfriend 13 Feb 1996 Havana My last night here What I've seen A lot of small dead dogs, Beautiful streets that reminded me of Spain, Bats, Waves breaking, Many different patterns of cement floor tiles, Salsa in the street, A drag queen in the bar, Hector's eyelashes, A ball of worms for feeding fish, Dark hallways, Elegance in decay, Goats, A children's amusement fair that looked like it was from Eastern Europe in the '50's, A lot of old Chevy Bel-Aires, An old woman smoking a cigar, A young girl smoking a cigar, A male couple dancing salsa, "I (HEART) New Kids on the Block" embroidered on the back of a denim jacket, Broken stairways, Beautiful old colonial architecture, Water that was really blue, Homes, Dog shit, Dancing. What I've heard Birds, waves, car horns- the usual stuff, Myself being understood in Spanish, That there was another snow storm in NY, Car alarms twice. One had the same pattern as the one that goes off on my block at home, Dogs barking, roosters crowing- A medley of Madonna songs at a gay Disco, Baseball on TV, Jokes I only half understood, French, German, "Estoy llorando por ti" at the disco, "Papa riqui", Dominoes being shuffled, A woman calling "cinco pesos" selling flowers at the market, David translating my class for me, Jennifer's feet against the floor in the performance, Dancers speaking in my improv class, The hum/buzz of fluorescent lights in the studio. What I've felt Not horny, A longing--- Something very familiar, An unnameable connection, Memories of the Ramblas in Barcelona, The desire to be horny, Impatience with group dynamics, Sore toes, Sweaty, Lack of physical intimacy, Something close to joy, Repeatedly thrilled by the sight and sound and feel of breaking waves on the Malecon, Joy at being tossed in salt water in February, Fear that someone might talk to me when I was in the street alone, An intellectualized desire for Hector, Sun on my face, Tight skin, Well fed, Drunk, Lost, Lonely. What I've tasted Fish, yucca, garlic, salt, tomatoes, a strange vegetable I've never tasted before, rum, pasta, arroz moro, peanut candy, tooth paste and mouth wash, strong cigarettes with sweet paper, chicken, beer, chocolate, coconut ice-cream, sweet coffee, fresh juice and yogurt, oranges, cola, fried eggs every morning What I've smelled Wood smoke, garbage, exhaust, flowers, night air, salt spray, musty basement, grilled food, deep fried food, sewer funk 14 February 1996 flight from Miami to NYC 3 Things I missed 1/ Alone time 2/ My tapes, records, CD's 3/ Easy everyday interactions without a language barrier 3 Things I didn't miss 1/ Having to return calls 2/ My TV addiction 3/ Feeling that I'm not getting enough done with the time I have 3 Things I wanted 1/ Friends who were more out going and not so concerned with money to hang out with 2/ More fluency in Spanish 3/ Something sexual to happen 3 Things I had that I didn't want 1/ Anxiety about returning (vis-a-vis the illegality of being there) 2/ Stupid, stupid shyness 3/ Some inertia 3 Things I was glad to have 1/ Jennifer to hang out with 2/ Enough money 3/ A fun living situation 3 people I missed 1/ Mom on the phone 2/ Robert 3/ The Meier-Linden kids 3 Things I was glad I didn't have 1/ Any illness 2/ Any bad interpersonal experiences 3/ TV, answering machine, computer solitaire